The image burned into my vision. It was so intense when I closed my eyes. My wife was a beautiful creature with tanned skin, dark brown eyes, soft small lips and long dark hair trailing halfway down her back. When we first met she had that beautiful hair tied back in a long pony. She wore little make-up but she didn’t need to. Her amazing personality shone through her skin to reveal a glow of beauty that made her the most gorgeous person in the building.
I remember how shy I was when I first approached her. It was like it was fate that the two of us could have attended the same function that night. I was there as a favour for my brother, Alex, who works as a civil engineer needing to attend this function just after South Africa was announced to host the 2010 Fifa World Cup. She was there with her father who was working as a journalist.
At the time I saw her pretty face a slow song began playing and I approached her slowly. The words repeating in my head to ask her to dance. When I reached her, I had temporarily lost my voice. She looked at me with uncertainty. Eventually I found my voice and asked her to dance with me. She accepted with a laugh. From then on we had been together and had a wonderfully talented little girl.
I looked down from that window sill thinking of my wife and child and I realised that this was ridiculous. Was it worth it to take my life over this secret? All I had to do was take that leap, but now my courage had failed me. The impulse was slowly fading away.
I shook my head and began to turn away from the edge of the window sill. My one foot slipped slightly forcing me to grab the edge of the broken window. My index finger found a shard of sharp glass that sliced through the skin. The pain was severe. I cried out furiously, but held on. The view I was faced with was a frightening drop down that did not look so attractive as it had done just a few moments ago.
I took a few breaths thinking about what I was about to do and what it was all for. This damned secret. I was doing so well. I had just received a promotion. It was something I had worked hard to achieve and I had not been ready to be dragged into this corruption. This secret could break every rule ever made and destroy the foundations that were into place for stability.
The more I thought about it the more I see why so many people were willing to keep this a secret. If this were to come out it would ruin everyone and everything. Thousands of people would be without work and even more would be without a place to receive their treatment. I regret the day that I found out about this secret. This secret that could destroy everything was so vile I immediately thought I could not live knowing such a secret, but I knew I could not reveal such a secret.
I shook my head as I glanced at the rain falling at a steady rhythm. The clouds were now half empty allowing the rain to fall lightly. It was quite ironic to think the rain was at its worse when the urge to end everything was most severe. Now that I am beginning to make peace with everything, the rain came down gently.
A smile spread across my face and it reminded me of my wife. She would have said that it was not God’s wish for me to end my life. I closed my eyes for a moment to picture her gorgeous smile. She was there for me as she usually was. Her long fingers almost touching my unshaven face. I wanted to be with her at that moment.
I began to step back into the building still holding onto the sides of the broken window for stability. My one foot was just about to touch the softness of the dark carpet inside when two strong large hands shoved my back forward. The unexpected timing and the strength behind those hands caught me off balance and I fell forward. The problem was that there was nothing in front of me to fall onto but the space of fifteen floors. In those few seconds I realised that I could not live with that secret after all. That was what went through my mind just before my soul left my body.